My Mother

When I was a senior in high school my mom got diagnosed with a disease called A.L.S. It's a strange disease that came upon her with no warning. One day she was wigging out because she was having trouble walking, and it all just went down hill from there.

I really loved my mom. She was the nicest person I have ever known. She loved my sister and I very much. She was always kind. In fact, I would laugh when she tried to be mean because she was so terrible at it! I know, I shouldn't have laughed at her, but you know how it is when you're a kid; you're emotions are raw and honest and uncontrollable at times.

To be perfectly frank, it's hard for me to write about her, or think about her without getting sad. I didn't want her to go, and it was hard for me when she did. The people who had been my best friends weren't there for me; partly because they didn't know, and partly because I didn't want them to. I started getting angry and frustrated, upset, sad... just totally and utterly destroyed, but I didn't know how to show it. No one plans to lose their parent. How can you ever prepare yourself for something so life changing? Well, you can't, and I had to learn a lot.

I found myself alone and wanting to be with people, but also wanting to be alone. Really, all I wanted was my mom. And there are many days that I still want her, even now. I don't think you ever get over the loss of a loved one. You only learn to live with the emptiness, and find ways to fill the void. I wish she could've been there for my college graduation, and for my wedding. I'll want her to be there for the birth of my first child (if I ever get pregnant), and for everything else in my life. But I think what I want most is to make her proud of me. I want her to know that I strive so hard to be a good person. I strive to do and be all that she taught me. I want her to know that I've matured and I've become someone who is more like her. I want her to know that I love her, and I will always love her...

I wish you could've met my mom. She was the best...

So Long Gladys!

I have a friend named Gladys. We're not bff's or anything, but I've hung out with her on several occasions and she's always been there for me when I needed her. When I needed clothes to take with me to Seattle, she was more than willing to lend me her entire wardrobe. When I needed help with some dances, she was there. And she's always down to cruise whenever.

So, when she told me that she would be going back home to Tonga, I was really sad. I'm truly going to miss having a friend like her. It's always nice to have a friend that you can depend on, and Gladys is that kind of friend. Her leaving got me thinking about all the other "Gladys's" I've had in my life... and luckily, I've had a lot. I've been consistently blessed with good people in my life; people that had my back and now I feel that it's about time that I said thank you!

Thank you to anyone of my friends who has ever understood me and my personality. Thank you for appreciating all the special (and not so special) quirks that make me, me. I feel like the older I've become, the harder it's been for me to open up to others and really let them get to know me. It's been tough, and lonely at times. And when you depend on a handful of people to support you, you sometimes find yourself being let down. But, I have to say, my support has been awesome. They are always there when I need them, and if they can't be there, they at least try.

So to all the "Gladys's", I say, "So long!" and "Thank you for all that you've done for me and all that you are!"

Hope for Pregnancy

My husband and I have been married a little over a year. Before we got engaged we had always talked about having a family right away, how many kids we would have, what we would name them, etc. So, once we got married we were more than hoping that we could start our family.

I started becoming very attentive to irregularities in my period cycle. I hadn't had my period for a month and I was getting really excited. I took a pregnancy test and waited for that plus sign to appear. Negative. So, I thought, okay, maybe I did it wrong. I tried again. And again, it came back negative.

I don't think I can remember crying so hard in my life. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and that every happy thought and hope that I had ever had was crushed. And I couldn't stop crying. I had prayed and hoped so hard to be pregnant that it was exhausting. And it was very out of my character because I'm, unfortunately, usually a pessimist. I took a leap of faith and started to believe in the baby that wasn't.

It was hard to get over, but still, I would continue to have missed periods and I would continue to get my hopes up only to have them smashed. And each time I would break down and cry. Well, recently, my husband and I just decided that we would let the Lord know that should the time come for us to be blessed with a child, we were ready and waiting. And I would talk to Heavenly Father silently to myself and just pour my heart out to him about my desires to have a family.

Last week, my husband was with his sister and her kids. He looked at her baby and said, "wish we could have one of those!" Her reply was, "you will, but you and your wife have a job to do right now. You have to take care of her father. (He is diabetic and had his leg amputated. He only trusts my husband and I to care for him.) Then, when you have completed the work that the Lord has for you, He will bless you with a baby."

Now, his sister had no idea that we were praying about this matter, or that we even had issues with this matter. She didn't know why she said what she said, but she said it, and I can't help but knowing that her answer came from the Lord. What a great feeling it was to know that He is listening to my prayers, and that He knows my heart. I have faith that what Fano's sister said is true. What hope and comfort that brings to my soul.

Non-sensical Me

If you're like me, than you have a very active imagination that you keep locked up inside of you... which really sucks, because if you're like me, you dream that everyday, those visions inside your head could become a reality. For instance, and don't blame me for being in love with, Harry Potter. There is something about those books that get to the very essence of my being.

I long to have a power of sorts that sets me apart from the rest of the world. Whether it be wand or broomstick, or a peculiar scar on my forehead, it makes no matter to me. I want there to be something about myself that just shines through and makes me special.

I've still got that little kid inside of me. I have never really outgrown it, I've just learned to silence and constrain it. But I still long to fly high over the clouds. I still want to be able to run like the wind, undetected. I still want to believe in the unthinkable and unachievable. I still look for miracles, no matter how small. I can still remember the days when I would swim in the ocean and pretend to be a mermaid. I'm not ashamed of any of these things... it's just that most times, I have no one to share these thoughts with.

Mostly I dream about love and romance. I love thinking about walking along in no place in particular, catching someone's eyes, and having that first look of "oh my gosh! I'm totally and utterly in love!" Things like that seldom happen, but I love the idea that somewhere, it does happen... but most of all, that it could happen to me!

And what is my point to all of this? I guess it's more of a confession to the world that I am a dreamer, and "non-sense" occupies my thoughts majority of the time. What fun would life be without it? Now that would be non-sense!

My Reality... For Now

I've been dancing for years. At times, that has been all I have ever wanted to do. I've put dancing at the top of my priority list, leaving so many important things behind. Dancing has always been a high for me; an escape from the world. When I'm on the stage, the only thing that matters to me is that moment. And when I'm in that moment, I become a part of something else. It's a very free and fulfilling experience. I never thought that there would come a day when I would be able to give it up.

I am still dancing, but something deep inside of me is telling me that there is something else that I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Realistically, I won't be able to dance forever... although if there were some way that I could, I would. My situation is not the same anymore. When I first started dancing, all I had to worry about was myself. Now, I am married, and I have to think about us. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, it's just that being married makes things a little more challenging. And somewhere during my marriage, I have found peace in the thought of not dancing to pursue a different goal.

So I've been really thinking about what I like and what I'm passionate about and several things came to mind: animals, travel, and the earth. I want to be able to travel all over the world and study animals and nature. But to do this, I have to go back to school. And to go back to school, I would have to quit my job which would leave my husband and I very broke.

My reality can seem very dreary, but I am not discouraged. I will figure out what I need to do to get to where I want to go. I refuse to give up on my dreams. Until then, I will continue to dance and find comfort on the stage that I love. Just that is enough, for now.