When "What's Right" Hurts

There is a black cat that hangs around my house.  The first time I saw her, she was doing her own thing, and I called out to her and she came!  She was very friendly and I grew fond of her; letting her into the house whenever I could.  Later, I noticed that she was pregnant, and I decided that I needed to take care of her.  I, with my husbands permission, took her in.  I was there for her and gave her the protection and care that she needed. 
When the day came for her to give birth, she wanted me right there with her!  She let me in on the whole birthing experience!  5 kittens were born.  1 died the next day and I was heart broken, but the 4 remained strong:  Tigger, Bully, Pa'a, and 'Uli.  They, along with "Mama" (that's what I call the mother cat), became my world!  I couldn't wait to get home to play with them and spend time with the little ones!  It was almost as if they were my own.  I loved them dearly, and things were going alright, for a while.
My husband got sick, and it was made apparent to me that we would not be able to take care of all of them.  My sister-in-law agreed to take in two: Tigger and Bully, but I didn't know what I was going to do with the rest.  My husband suggested to just put the rest of them outside.  Mama was an outside cat for all I knew, and she could help Pa'a and 'Uli.  So we put them outside.
Now our room is void of any furry creatures and it breaks my heart.  I knew we had to do it, but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  I feel like I just lost my family...because they were my family.  But I guess I have to be okay and look at the bigger picture.  And hopefully the pain will go away...

Earth Day

So, May 22nd is Earth Day, and I'm really looking forward to this day.  In a way, it's sad that we needed to designate a day so that people can actually remember that there is a whole world out there that needs our attention, but what can I say?  We get busy, and if this is the reminder that we need, than why not?

My hope, though, is that we don't forget that it's "Earth Day" and not "Tree Day."  So many people think that planting a tree is good enough... and I guess when you think about it, planting a tree helps with clean air and providing habitation and all that, but there are other entities in the world that need care too!  Let's take animals for instance: why not go out and adopt a pet.  Give shelter and love to a dog or cat or horse or tiger if you like!  There are so many animals in the world that are in need of care! 

Point is, the Earth is huge, and everything in it needs attention.  Take time to remember those things and do something about it!  Make a difference in this world with just one small act of kindness and love!  If we don't make it our mission to preserve the things in this world that make life beautiful, wonderful, and unique, then we run the risk of losing these precious gifts.

Let's make the most of this day; of this opportunity...and celebrate our Earth!

Me and My Hawaii

Do you know what it feels like to be so attached to the place that you live? I'm not talking about pride... No, this "attachment" runs deeper than pride. It's more like family.

Pocahontas described it best when she sang, "The rainstorm and the river are my brother. The heron and the otter are my friend and we are all connected to eachother in a circle, in a hoop that never ends."

Everything: the wind, the rain, the ocean, the trees, the mountains, the animals; they all speak to you constantly, reminding you of who you are and where you came from and where you can go. The very earth is alive to you and you to it. There is a constant flow of energy between you and that place.

Some people don't know what this feels like. And I think for those people they are always in search of that connection... to find a place that feels like "home". But when they search for "home", what they are really looking for is this "attachment" that I am talking about. They are searching for that place that is their family.

This place for me is Hawaii. Hawaii sings to me like a gentle lullaby from a mother to her child; soothing and assuring. Even when the wind howls, it is calming to me because I know that everything will be alright.

I write this because I need Hawaii to know that no matter where I go in life, that it will always be a part of my very being. This land is my family, and I have loved it my whole existence. Also, there are many who do not understand land attachment. They look at land as an object, and that is okay, but know that there are many who look at land as a living thing... a family member and a part of themselves. If you can't understand that than you can't understand me, and I want you to be able to understand.

To those of you who are lucky enough to stay here in Hawaii, take care and cherish this beloved place of mine. Take advantage of the beauty she gives and the spirit she radiates.  Here is where I began, and from here I take my next steps into the future... Mahalo nui!

One of the "Times of My Life"

Looking back at my life, there have been many moments where I was totally and completely happy. But when I think about those moments, there is one that always comes to the forefront: My freshman year of college at BYU-Provo! I have always heard people say that college will give you some of the best years of your life, and suprisingly enough, I have found that to be true.

There was a bunch of us freshman from Hawai'i that were attending school in 2001-2002 Fall/Winter semesters. Some of us were from Maui: Kara, Lana, Ashley, Kevin, Lisa. Some of us were from O'ahu: me, Em, Ash, Krisann, B, Kaips, Bryce, David, Crystal. Sam, Kanalu, Jarom, and Joe were from Hawaii. Lyle and Puchee were from Moloka'i. Rob, Abish, Alisha, Jessica, Darcie were from the mainland. (Forgive me if I'm missing anyone.) But, we were from all over, and yet we came together so perfectly and created our own little "home away from home". And we were a family!

I can remember it like it was yesterday. Ann and I were roommates. She took me in after being put with this scary girl that smelled really badly. Kara lived down the hall to the left. Darcie was in the room to the right. Krisann lived across the hall, as did B (I think). We lived in V-Hall in Deseret Towers (DT). It no longer exists. They tore it down. Kevin guys lived in Heritage and we would go there on Fridays and eat musubis and loco-mocos and just hang out. We always played trumps in the Wilk in between classes. Rob and I would walk to the temple and just talk. We would have lunches at the Sky Room on the top of the Wilk. We did secret santas with the whole group for Christmas. Em had me and he bought me a blow dryer! All the girls would always hang out in me and Ann's room...even Crystal and Lisa who lived in U-Hall. We would stay up every night and talk about everything imaginable! We would go bike riding around the campus. We went to General Conference together. We celebrated every birthday and holiday together. We'd eat out all the time and go shopping and watch movies. We went to the dances together, and to the club...hahaha.

These are the people who helped me to become the person that I am today. I love them so much, and I love the memories that I have of them, and us. They will always have a special place in my heart because what we had was something that seldom people ever get to experience. It was all perfect to me...and that's the way it will always be. Ups and downs, we rode it out and ended on top everytime. Thank you for the time of my life! I will never forget it!

My Mother

When I was a senior in high school my mom got diagnosed with a disease called A.L.S. It's a strange disease that came upon her with no warning. One day she was wigging out because she was having trouble walking, and it all just went down hill from there.

I really loved my mom. She was the nicest person I have ever known. She loved my sister and I very much. She was always kind. In fact, I would laugh when she tried to be mean because she was so terrible at it! I know, I shouldn't have laughed at her, but you know how it is when you're a kid; you're emotions are raw and honest and uncontrollable at times.

To be perfectly frank, it's hard for me to write about her, or think about her without getting sad. I didn't want her to go, and it was hard for me when she did. The people who had been my best friends weren't there for me; partly because they didn't know, and partly because I didn't want them to. I started getting angry and frustrated, upset, sad... just totally and utterly destroyed, but I didn't know how to show it. No one plans to lose their parent. How can you ever prepare yourself for something so life changing? Well, you can't, and I had to learn a lot.

I found myself alone and wanting to be with people, but also wanting to be alone. Really, all I wanted was my mom. And there are many days that I still want her, even now. I don't think you ever get over the loss of a loved one. You only learn to live with the emptiness, and find ways to fill the void. I wish she could've been there for my college graduation, and for my wedding. I'll want her to be there for the birth of my first child (if I ever get pregnant), and for everything else in my life. But I think what I want most is to make her proud of me. I want her to know that I strive so hard to be a good person. I strive to do and be all that she taught me. I want her to know that I've matured and I've become someone who is more like her. I want her to know that I love her, and I will always love her...

I wish you could've met my mom. She was the best...

So Long Gladys!

I have a friend named Gladys. We're not bff's or anything, but I've hung out with her on several occasions and she's always been there for me when I needed her. When I needed clothes to take with me to Seattle, she was more than willing to lend me her entire wardrobe. When I needed help with some dances, she was there. And she's always down to cruise whenever.

So, when she told me that she would be going back home to Tonga, I was really sad. I'm truly going to miss having a friend like her. It's always nice to have a friend that you can depend on, and Gladys is that kind of friend. Her leaving got me thinking about all the other "Gladys's" I've had in my life... and luckily, I've had a lot. I've been consistently blessed with good people in my life; people that had my back and now I feel that it's about time that I said thank you!

Thank you to anyone of my friends who has ever understood me and my personality. Thank you for appreciating all the special (and not so special) quirks that make me, me. I feel like the older I've become, the harder it's been for me to open up to others and really let them get to know me. It's been tough, and lonely at times. And when you depend on a handful of people to support you, you sometimes find yourself being let down. But, I have to say, my support has been awesome. They are always there when I need them, and if they can't be there, they at least try.

So to all the "Gladys's", I say, "So long!" and "Thank you for all that you've done for me and all that you are!"

Hope for Pregnancy

My husband and I have been married a little over a year. Before we got engaged we had always talked about having a family right away, how many kids we would have, what we would name them, etc. So, once we got married we were more than hoping that we could start our family.

I started becoming very attentive to irregularities in my period cycle. I hadn't had my period for a month and I was getting really excited. I took a pregnancy test and waited for that plus sign to appear. Negative. So, I thought, okay, maybe I did it wrong. I tried again. And again, it came back negative.

I don't think I can remember crying so hard in my life. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and that every happy thought and hope that I had ever had was crushed. And I couldn't stop crying. I had prayed and hoped so hard to be pregnant that it was exhausting. And it was very out of my character because I'm, unfortunately, usually a pessimist. I took a leap of faith and started to believe in the baby that wasn't.

It was hard to get over, but still, I would continue to have missed periods and I would continue to get my hopes up only to have them smashed. And each time I would break down and cry. Well, recently, my husband and I just decided that we would let the Lord know that should the time come for us to be blessed with a child, we were ready and waiting. And I would talk to Heavenly Father silently to myself and just pour my heart out to him about my desires to have a family.

Last week, my husband was with his sister and her kids. He looked at her baby and said, "wish we could have one of those!" Her reply was, "you will, but you and your wife have a job to do right now. You have to take care of her father. (He is diabetic and had his leg amputated. He only trusts my husband and I to care for him.) Then, when you have completed the work that the Lord has for you, He will bless you with a baby."

Now, his sister had no idea that we were praying about this matter, or that we even had issues with this matter. She didn't know why she said what she said, but she said it, and I can't help but knowing that her answer came from the Lord. What a great feeling it was to know that He is listening to my prayers, and that He knows my heart. I have faith that what Fano's sister said is true. What hope and comfort that brings to my soul.